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Queer Watch Breaking News: Possible Sighting Of Bisexual Woman In Thor: Ragnarok Just Elaborate Hoax

The bicycle garages and bifocal stores where bipedal bisexuals bivouac and eat bivalves were sent into bilingual bickering this week with the announcement that the character of Valkyrie, a major character in Marvel’s Thor: Ragnarok, is bisexual. The news came from Valkyrie’s actress Tessa Thompson, whose take on the character is based on Valkyrie’s longstanding bisexuality in Ragnarok’s source comics.

Often hated and feared by a world that doesn’t want to understand them, the media bisexual (Sexualitatis duobolous) has long evaded observation. Despite sightings in West Covina, Republic City, and Starling City; these bisexuals remain elusive. Enthusiasts, who are usually also bisexual, are constantly on the lookout for the brief glances and nods that are sure signs of the media bisexual.

When news of a sighting at Marvel broke, most couldn’t believe their ears. Despite years of crowing from executives like Kevin Feige (a practicing heterosexual) that we’d be getting an LGBT character in the short time frame between now and 2025, and assurances from Guardians of The Galaxy director James Gunn (also heterosexual) that there may already be one…one has not yet appeared.

But the sighting turned out to be a humbug as Tessa Thompson revealed the truth. Yes, she and Ragnarok director Taika Waititi had discussed it, and yes, they had indeed shot a scene wherein a woman was seen leaving Valkyrie’s bedroom; such a scene ended up being cut. The scene, which probably would reveal very little to anyone and mean nothing to anybody, was removed to make room for “vital exposition,” which is producer speak for “Tom Hiddleston eye-fucking the camera.”

There is no word if Marvel, which insists it will also make a female-led movie “at some point, after about 5 Spider-Men films,” has any plans for the elusive bisexuals. Fans say that the creatures have appeared in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Iron Man 2, and more. But at this point, sadly, that may just be scientific speculation. For now, we must let straight white men save the day. The bi’s must stay in the shadows, lest they corrupt the world with their love for more than one gender. For the enthusiasts, on their futile crusade for representation? The search, as they say, goes on.


Image Courtesy Marvel Studios

Author

  • Dan Arndt

    Fiction writer, board game fanatic, DM. Has an MFA and isn't quite sure what to do now. If you have a dog, I'd very much like to pet it. Operating out of Indianapolis.

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