Well then. Another year, another spin of the HBO marketing wheel. And while we wish we could break it, just like Deadpan Stormborn, there’s millions of screaming fans that seem to feel otherwise. So we’re here. Again. Watching a Game of Thrones trailer, this time in anticipation (is that the right word?) of Season 7.
To be perfectly honest, there was a small part of us that got a little rush of excitement, because we happen to find a lot of HBO promotional material to be really funny. Like this immaculate Facebook ad from Season 5:
And then last year, Kylie had a bonny old time breaking down the Season 6 trailer. There was Dawninator! Carol chose violence! So we grabbed our popcorn and got ready to meme except…
We. Feel. Nothing.
Julia is slightly impressed by some stunt work, and Kylie was happy that the music didn’t distract to the point of hilarity, but otherwise…bupkis. What the hell is even here?
Okay, no, let’s break it down, because objectively, stuff exists. See for yourself:
We don’t necessarily want to do a shot-for-shot, but we can at least point to the bigger moments and takeaways.
- Arya [Todd] is on the world’s most disappointing camping trip
- Batfinger is being a sneaky hobbit by trying to manipulate a face of Sansa for her not pushing the whole “I’m the rightful heir” thing last year. Jonny Cardboard must take objection to this, because we also get a shot of Batfinger being shoved up against a wall by him. Oh and then he’s sneaking:
Cersei and JaimeCheryl and Larry Lannister (the OTP now known as “Cherry”; RIP “Cheryl”) are still super chummy? We guess that look at the end of last season amounted to a patch of moldy pumpkins. Larry seems confused by his surroundings (as usual) but Cheryl is on it, stalking around a floor map, and planning the movements of a magically materialized Lannister army. This either ripped off Elizabeth the Golden Age or Avatar: The Last Airbender, and both options amuse us greatly.
- Queen Cheryl gives a moving monologue about how she and Larry are going to kill everyone who’s not them. This reminds us of the moving speech Larry gave her last year about how they’re going to kill everyone who’s not them (“fuck prophecies and fuck fate”). Oh and the scene in Season 5 over Tywin’s corpse where they talked about this as well. It’s like poetry—it rhymes!
- Team Deadpan has landed at Dragonstone, and we’re starting, just starting to think Deadpan might have a bit of an entitlement problem. Just something about her screams “my tyranny’s not ended, motherfucker. It’s only just begun.” We have to admit that Dragonstone looks darn cool as a set design.
- We’re also quite sure a wild Melisansbra is lurking nearby:
- Deadpan’s army likes fighting! There were a ton of shots of the Unsullied, as well as the Dothraki trying out some Legolas-inspired horse stunts that made Julia mildly impressed. We bet there’s going to be an EPIC BATTLE. Here’s hoping it’s in the second-to-last episode. Oh and Drogon exists and is large.
- Missandei and Grey Worm still are together, from what we can tell, with a shot of him removing his shirt? We don’t know the context, but we hope they’re allowed to do their job this time instead of being interrupted by some drunk asshole over and over.
- Davos is still around! We’re assuming he’s Team Jonny, unless he forgets his guiding motivation again. Wait. We forgot it. What’s he doing again? Either way, he’s now very very concerned about the dead people coming to wipe everyone out, and with this game of Ring Around the Rosie, we don’t blame him:
- Last and not least, they shoved the two wlw characters in a room together and had them kiss. This is not only creative, but it’s the world’s best representation, as far as we’re concerned. Though on a more serious note, both Yara and Faullaria are just plain horrible people; one is a rapist who screams at her brother for having inconvenient PTSD, and the other murdered her whole family for revenge (sure). They’re welcome to each other, and we wish them the best.
Aaaand, that’s it. The lack of Bran was noticeable, but also entirely unsurprising. However, there’s no time to dwell on that when we’ve got Gregor’s new phallic hat:
Look, we’re a little confused why this show doesn’t produce any emotion in us anymore. Even as furious book snobs, let us feel something, right? But the thing is—and the conclusion we’ve reached after thoroughly breaking down every plotline for two seasons now—this show just has the depth of a teaspoon. Nothing means anything, which according to Arya, isn’t better or worse than anything. But we simply can’t bring ourselves care for that reason.
This is both the most predictable TV program we’ve ever watched, because it employs the same idiotic tropes over and over again (of course the two queer women kiss!), but at the same time, it’s completely unpredictable because nothing is born from anything. So. Okay, the battle scenes look nice? We still need to turn the brightness up on our screens? There’s just NOTHING HERE.
That said, of course we’re going to be watching Season 7, ready to chat about the implications and take the most successful contemporary TV show to task. That’s…what we do, for some reason.
We’ll be back before Season 7 airs with a “Introduction to why GoT is Bad” type of piece, because we know we go too deep into our meme-tastic rabbit hole. So hopefully we can get a few more book snobs (or disillusioned Unsullied) on-board, and have an enjoyable 7 weeks. We’ll see you then.
Images courtesy of HBO